TWCL Forum Index TWCL
Forums for The Webcomic List
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Would appreciate some aid re-writing this scene

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    TWCL Forum Index -> Webcomic Gubbins
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Marscaleb



Joined: 28 Aug 2012
Posts: 255

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:00 am    Post subject: Would appreciate some aid re-writing this scene Reply with quote

I've got this page coming up in about two weeks, and I've never quite liked how the script came out. I've re-written it a couple times and it got better, but still it's below adequate.

I'm willing to collaborate on the writing for this page, if anyone has some ideas of how to improve it.

So here's what's going on.
In case you are unfamiliar with my comic, the character Zak was crushed by an alien's flying saucer and is currently using a rental body, which body is that of a teenage girl. He also has moved in with a couple other teenage girls while his house gets repaired.
This scene opens on Monday morning, his second day living here.
The real purpose of this page is to establish the fact that Zak will also be attending high school. This is where the story is going, it has to happen. But I'm struggling a bit on the why. As I approach this page, I struggle to find a clear reason why Zak would go along with this. This simple fact, more than anything else, is what I'm trying to re-write.

The best reason I have right now is kind of a stretch as to why it affects Zak, or take up two pages to explain the convolution.
I was about to share my script, but I don't want to lead you to the same corner I've painted myself into; I want to keep the ideas pure.
Why would Zak actually bother going back to school? What reason would he have to go along with the lifestyle that his appearance would suggest?
I'd really like to come up with a better idea.
_________________
My webcomic: Mischief in Maytia
http://maytiacomic.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
dpat57
Ich bin ein webcomicker


Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 2586
Location: Sunny/wet/windy Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:21 am    Post subject: Re: Would appreciate some aid re-writing this scene Reply with quote

Marscaleb wrote:
He also has moved in with a couple other teenage girls while his house gets repaired.

The other girls expect him to go to school too, yes? Maybe he gets scooped up by their expectations and dragged along.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
MindChimera



Joined: 03 Feb 2013
Posts: 309

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A) He has nothing better to do with his time. No money, no job, his friends/family probably aren't going to believe who he is, and it would be easy enough to convince everyone he just moved into town.

B) The aliens want to, I don't know, study humans in high school? So they tell Zak to go with a tiny camera or something. And he has to, because if he doesn't, he won't get his real body back. (Or that might be a reason for why you should have aliens in the school.)

C) ... Zak's a pervert and wants to go into the girls' locker room? Haha.

D) Zak got that new phone but doesn't know how to use it, so he goes to high school because someone there probably knows how. Then ~plot~ happens and he decides to keep going.

E) He obviously wants to check out all the cute boys.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Casual Notice
Spambot Extraordinaire


Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 2960
Location: Oh my God, It's full of stars!

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, I haven't read your comic, yet, but here's a more or less realistic scene that might help with the "going back to school" trope.

Code:
SCENE:  Zak is sitting at a table in a mall food court.  A mall cop, and school district police officer (or local police) approach.

POLICE:  Excuse me, miss?  Could I see your ID, please?

ZAK:  What, why?

PO:  State law.  All persons under seventeen must attend school daily.

ZAK:  Oh, right.  I'm not really a teen-age girl.  Aliens destroyed my house and killed me, and they gave me this body until they could finish fixing my real one.

PO:  (After exchanging a look with mall cop) You'll have to come with me, miss.


Feel free to use it all or part as best suits. Or not at all if it doesn't fit your theme.[/code]
_________________
Casual Notice--commentary, comics and an appreciation for snappy hats.
S*P*Q*R
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ttallan
Postpostpostpostpost!


Joined: 28 Feb 2008
Posts: 1128
Location: Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seems to me that if you're using a "rental" body, there might be some kind of rental agreement. He has to keep the body safe and undamaged, see that it doesn't get in trouble for missing classes, etc. You have to fit in to the local environment, in which teens go to high school.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Marscaleb



Joined: 28 Aug 2012
Posts: 255

PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2013 7:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

dpat57 wrote:
The other girls expect him to go to school too, yes? Maybe he gets scooped up by their expectations and dragged along.


Hmm, I could see that happening, if I can work it right...

MindChimera wrote:
A) He has nothing better to do with his time. No money, no job, his friends/family probably aren't going to believe who he is, and it would be easy enough to convince everyone he just moved into town.

Unfortunately, he still has bills. The biggest reason he's against going to school is because he needs to find a job.

MindChimera wrote:
C) ... Zak's a pervert and wants to go into the girls' locker room? Haha.

E) He obviously wants to check out all the cute boys.




Casual Notice wrote:

PO: (After exchanging a look with mall cop) You'll have to come with me, miss.


This... Actually cues me in to a better way to run what I already have.
In my current version, Victoria was running Zak through the scenario of what would happen if he didn't attend school, but for some reason the idea that officials woulnd't believe him to be a 32-year-old man just never entered into my brain.
I may be able to get that to work right.

ttallan wrote:
He has to keep the body safe and undamaged,

I could offer a spoiler warning and mention some things that are going to happen, but I think instead I'll just laugh maniacally.
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

UPDATE:
Wow, I just had to change one line to "You're going to have a hard time explaining to all these people that you're an adult male." and it WORKS. Thanks Casual Notice!

Of course, I'm still open to other ideas if someone has something clever; it never hurts have an extra excuse up my sleeve, and maybe a different reason might help me end this page with a joke.
_________________
My webcomic: Mischief in Maytia
http://maytiacomic.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    TWCL Forum Index -> Webcomic Gubbins All times are GMT + 1 Hour
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

Hosted by Fluent
The Webcomics List is operated and owned by Ash Young. Syndicate the comic updates.