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NFU: The Josh Neilson Story - Critique
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Do you like Flipside University?
Yes lololol!
100%
 100%  [ 3 ]
No! Boo.
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Undecided.
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 3

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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Sun Nov 03, 2013 10:40 pm    Post subject: NFU: The Josh Neilson Story - Critique Reply with quote



NFU Synopsis:

A dysfunctional family, a hopeless situation, and young man's passion to persevere against all odds. This is the story of Josh Neilson, a boy destined to be the greatest artist of all time. But there's just one other problem I forgot to mention...

NFU #00 - Meet Josh Neilson


About me and NFU:

My name's Ryan and write and draw a cool webcomic called Flipside U. I've been drawing since I was a wee lad but got serious about a couple of years ago when I majored in film and animation.

Long story short, I would love it if you gave your thoughts on my work. What are your opinions on my comic? Do you like the style, is it funny, which character do you like or dislike, can you relate to it, who's sexy? Those sorts of things.

I realize art is subjective, that being the case I really hope you dig my art. Haha. ^_^ And that's it! I'm totally open to suggestions and feedback! Please review Flipside U!

Here's the link to my archive: http://flapjackstudios.com/fuarchive.shtml
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Kail



Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 424

PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 6:14 am    Post subject: Re: Please Review my comic, Flipside U! Reply with quote

FlapjackStudios wrote:

Long story short, I would love it if you gave your thoughts on my work. What are your opinions on my comic? Do you like the style, is it funny, which character do you like or dislike, can you relate to it, who's sexy? Those sorts of things.


Visually, it looks really sharp, I think. The only thing that bugged me was that the characters had thin white outlines around them, which I assume is to make them pop, but for some reason kept tweaking the part of my brain that goes "this guy did this comic in MSPaint and couldn't antialias his selections, so the borders look janky". Just a personal thing, probably. Other than that, I thought it looked really good. The style seemed really consistent and solidly executed. Nitpicking the pictures I found a few minor quirks with posing and stuff, but nothing I noticed first time through. Looks good!

Writing I'm less crazy about. Not that it's bad per se, just seems awkward. One of the better word use knowing stuff guys here can probably put this better (or call me on my bullshit) but while I didn't think there's anything really obviously wrong with how it's written, but... it's like, if you've ever had to proofread something written by someone else, and you're like "that's technically not grammatically incorrect, but I would have said it this way instead", that's how I kept feeling.

Like page one, starts off with the girl saying "did you know I'm allergic to onions" and the guy saying "I don't believe you" which seem like weird things to say out of the blue. They weren't eating onions or looking at an onion or anything like that, she just decides to start talking about onions, and he, for equally baffling reasons, decides that she must be lying. The guy then pulls an onion out of his pants (?) and gives it to her to prove that she's allergic to them by eating it (why would you want to do that?) which she does. Then there's a funny shot where she's all puffed up, and I would have maybe amped up the reaction of the guy (seemed a bit subdued) and ended the comic there, but you go one frame further and show her actually suffocating and him calling for a doctor, which I feel isn't really super funny? Like, showing Wile E Coyote getting hit by a bulldozer or something is funny, but seeing grieving loved ones crying as he's wheeled on to an ambulance afterwards, not so much.

Like, it seems to me that none of the stuff I'm whining about above is really a bad idea, I can see how it would all weave together into something funny, it just seems... I dunno, not emphasized right or something? The guy just pulling an onion out of his pants could be funny, but there's no reaction from the girl. The girl deciding to potentially kill herself to prove that she's really allergic to onions could be funny, but the guy seems to act like it's normal. I dunno, maybe decades of sitcoms have rotted my funny bone, but I kept thinking "if this was a TV show, there'd be a laugh track here". Maybe something like a straight man, someone to go "wait, WHAT did you just say?!?!" to emphasize that yes, this is supposed to be a joke and isn't just awkwardly written or something, might go a long way. Or something. Like I said, I'm not a great writer, so feel free to ignore whatever I say.

In terms of characters, I'm not really super involved. Maybe it's because it's only forty-something pages in and there's a ton of them, but I still don't feel like I "get" half of them and the other half feel like unlikeable caricatures. The red haired guy is a really common character in webcomics, the relentlessly "zany" asshole who I resent kind of on principle, but I'm having trouble identifying with any of the others, either. The blue shirt guy seems like normally he'd be the bookish, uptight guy, but here, his only character trait seems to be that he's unimaginably retarded and knows pretty much nothing about anything. The mute guy might be cool, but he never says or does anything except smile. Asian guy (who I wouldn't even have known was Asian if it wasn't constantly pointed out) seems like the only non-retarded one, but he's kind of an asshole and everyone else seems to hate him. For women, there's the girl with the huge lips who seems like a relentless bitch from what little I've seen of her, and the other one, who seems like the most likeable/normal character in the group but whose character is a mystery to me. In one scene, it looks like she's asking a guy to invite her to an orgy, in another, she freaks out and calls a guy a "pervert" for making hand gestures that look like pointing at the ceiling. Not really that this is really a big deal for a wacky hijinks comic, though, since I suppose you don't really need to identify with the characters to find them funny.

In general, the pages I liked best were the weird ones, where it's clear how unrealistic the comic is supposed to be, like when they steal a million Wii-Us or punch through a guy's torso for wearing beige. I think the comic works best when it's really clear that these aren't supposed to be serious or dramatic characters, they're supposed to be funny, and I think those "over the top" kinds of comics establish that really clearly. Number 30 ("Don't you hate it when people in webcomics make this kind of face") and number 39 ("Did you know that images without faces tend to get shared 23% more than other images") were pretty funny, too, I thought.

Anyway, just my 2 cents, feel free to disregard as you see fit. Generally, I thought the comic was really solidly drawn and had a nice consistent look. It was a pleasure to read, keep up the good work!
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 6:34 am    Post subject: Re: Please Review my comic, Flipside U! Reply with quote

Kail wrote:
FlapjackStudios wrote:

Long story short, I would love it if you gave your thoughts on my work. What are your opinions on my comic? Do you like the style, is it funny, which character do you like or dislike, can you relate to it, who's sexy? Those sorts of things.


Anyway, just my 2 cents, feel free to disregard as you see fit. Generally, I thought the comic was really solidly drawn and had a nice consistent look. It was a pleasure to read, keep up the good work!


Hey Kail! That is a serious in depth review and I super appreciate the feedback! I'll admit I didn't see some of those inconsistencies there in my comic. I plan on tightening up my writing and developing the characters more so readers can easily understand and relate to them. I hope you continue reading and thanks again for the review!

Also, mad props for picking a few faves too.
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 4:29 am    Post subject: RESTRUCTURE COMING SOON Reply with quote

Any other takers?

Also, a bit of news. I'm going to restructure my comic soon. Not starting over from stretch per say but ppl who've read it before will be in for a major overhauled treat. I'll give you guys more info when nearing the relaunch.

That said anyone interested in seeing it now, head on over to my archive and tell me what you think.
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Spencey



Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 640
Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 3:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know you have asked for a review rather than a critique, but this thread might elicit a response from somebody.

I like your artwork, but I think you could mix up your panel layouts and angles to add impact to the writing.

I'll give you an example - page 43 - where the dark-haired lady punches the re-haired fellow in the stomach yet she's still in the seated position as with all the other panels. The punch could not have been all that hard from that position. It doesn't look hard at all and certainly not hard enough to warrant his facial expression. If she gave him a proper exaggerated cartoon punch sending him flying back over the chair, the final panel where she resumes reading would be a bigger contrast and therefore bigger on laughs! I'd recommend reading a book called Action Cartooning by Ben Caldwell.

Otherwise, good stuff! I certainly enjoyed what I read.
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 5:50 am    Post subject: NFU launching Jan 8th! Reply with quote

UPDATE: Flapjack Studios would like to announce the Flipside U relaunch date. And that date is Jan. 8th 2014! Flipside U is my online webcomic and it is getting overhauled and refitted to be a story driven awesome sauce of a comic! You don't wanna miss this transformation, especially if you've read my comic before!

News Link --> http://flapjackstudios.com/news40.shtml
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 6:24 pm    Post subject: The NFU reboot has officially begun! Reply with quote

The Flipside U reboot has begun! Introducing "New Flipside U: The Josh Neilson Story!" Or "NFU" for short. Page one of the prologue is now up. Updates happen every Wednesdays. http://flapjackstudios.com/nfu00.shtml


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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 6:42 am    Post subject: NFU reboot and request for reviews Reply with quote

Hey great ppl of TWCL! I'd really appreciate another review or two! I just rebooted my comic and am really proud of it. I highly recommend you give it a read, especially if you like flawed but loveable characters.

Updates happen every Wednesdays.

Page 01 --> Warning! Contains Suggestive Themes. http://flapjackstudios.com/nfu01.shtml


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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 4:42 pm    Post subject: Like it or what? Reply with quote

Hey all you comic enthusiasts. I'm about a year in but have just rebooted my comic so really, it's only a month or so worth of new story. My art is professional and I'm very happy with the story. Why not give it a try to see if it suits your tastes? It's called NFU: The Josh Neilson Story (or NFU for short).

http://flapjackstudios.com/nfu00.shtml
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MindChimera



Joined: 03 Feb 2013
Posts: 304

PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can't really review the story since it's only a few strips. I do like the jokes more than what you were doing before.

The art has gotten a nice upgrade. It seems like you're making more of an effort to show more sides of the characters (instead of just cosntant front-view), which I appreciate.

Do you update once a week? Since you're doing strips, you may want to bump it up, if you have the time and buffer for it.
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 12:34 am    Post subject: Thanks! Reply with quote

MindChimera wrote:
Can't really review the story since it's only a few strips. I do like the jokes more than what you were doing before.

The art has gotten a nice upgrade. It seems like you're making more of an effort to show more sides of the characters (instead of just cosntant front-view), which I appreciate.

Do you update once a week? Since you're doing strips, you may want to bump it up, if you have the time and buffer for it.


Why thank you! Yes it's early in the story but it'll build! Once a week is my current max output, if I could release them all today I would. Haha.

Just you wait, it gets even more funny! I hope you look forward to them. Thanks again for your comment.
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 4:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Updated NFU Synopsis:

A dysfunctional family, a hopeless situation, and young man's passion to persevere against all odds. This is the story of Josh Neilson, a boy destined to be the greatest artist of all time. But there's just one other problem I forgot to mention...

NFU #00 - Meet Josh Neilson

(c) 2014 Ryan Chandler
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2014 2:49 pm    Post subject: NFU Review Reply with quote

Anymore takers? I plan on going pro with NFU: The Josh Neilson Story and have a fair numbers of pages now. If stories about perseverance, tough times, and dysfunctional families sound like your cup of tea, then why not check them out and drop me a review? Don't forget, it's funny too. Please review!
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MindChimera



Joined: 03 Feb 2013
Posts: 304

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still not very far along... I really prefer to see something develop in the plot before giving any sort of review. But you're still floundering around in his childhood stories months later.

I guess I'll go ahead and give your story a review, though, because there are things that stick out to me.

As far as Josh goes, I really have no reason to care about him yet. All I know is that he has lousy parents (which, for some reason, hasn't rubbed off on him) and he wants to be an artist. Is that all his character is? Where is the rest of his personality?

I think starting off with his backstory may have been a wrong move. You're trying to fill in little details on a character that I don't even see the big details for yet. You need to convince your audience that this kid is worth caring about; your audience is not obligated to like the protagonist. Keep in mind that reading your work is a time-investment on their part as well, and they're not obligated to keep going if they aren't interested.

Right now, Josh is incredibly bland. I would be more interested in seeing this school he's so excited to get to and seeing more on what he's like at this point in his life. Save the backstory for later, once your readers have had enough time to decide they like him.

If you want to "go pro," you really need to increase your update schedule. Your story's dreadfully slow, especially with only 3-ish panels per strip. If you can't do at least two, I'd re-evaluate your "going pro" plan. Your update speed is really killing this for you. See if you can make some changes to what you're already doing.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "going pro," actually. Are you trying to make a living off of this, or just want to be popular?

My last thought is, a lot of webcomic strips out there that are about college include at least one art-focused character (or at least ones that I've seen). I'll admit that I'm personally tired of this so my own bias is showing, but as far as the story goes, I'm wondering just what's supposed to make this comic stand out. Your jokes are okay, but since they're rooted in a stand-still story, they aren't really memorable right now.

I don't think your comic is bad, but it's easily forgettable right now and doesn't really grab my attention. There are a lot of other comics in your genre; a lot of people who make webcomics are in high school or college and, surprise surprise, a lot of them are artists so want to include artist characters. People write what they know and what's important to them. I'm not saying that's bad, I'm in a crowded genre too... just that it's harder to stand out. If you want to succeed, find your niche.

TL;DR: Figure out how to make your story pop and increase the pace.
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FlapjackStudios



Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 120

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MindChimera wrote:
Still not very far along... I really prefer to see something develop in the plot before giving any sort of review. But you're still floundering around in his childhood stories months later.

I guess I'll go ahead and give your story a review, though, because there are things that stick out to me.

As far as Josh goes, I really have no reason to care about him yet. All I know is that he has lousy parents (which, for some reason, hasn't rubbed off on him) and he wants to be an artist. Is that all his character is? Where is the rest of his personality?

I think starting off with his backstory may have been a wrong move. You're trying to fill in little details on a character that I don't even see the big details for yet. You need to convince your audience that this kid is worth caring about; your audience is not obligated to like the protagonist. Keep in mind that reading your work is a time-investment on their part as well, and they're not obligated to keep going if they aren't interested.

Right now, Josh is incredibly bland. I would be more interested in seeing this school he's so excited to get to and seeing more on what he's like at this point in his life. Save the backstory for later, once your readers have had enough time to decide they like him.

If you want to "go pro," you really need to increase your update schedule. Your story's dreadfully slow, especially with only 3-ish panels per strip. If you can't do at least two, I'd re-evaluate your "going pro" plan. Your update speed is really killing this for you. See if you can make some changes to what you're already doing.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "going pro," actually. Are you trying to make a living off of this, or just want to be popular?

My last thought is, a lot of webcomic strips out there that are about college include at least one art-focused character (or at least ones that I've seen). I'll admit that I'm personally tired of this so my own bias is showing, but as far as the story goes, I'm wondering just what's supposed to make this comic stand out. Your jokes are okay, but since they're rooted in a stand-still story, they aren't really memorable right now.

I don't think your comic is bad, but it's easily forgettable right now and doesn't really grab my attention. There are a lot of other comics in your genre; a lot of people who make webcomics are in high school or college and, surprise surprise, a lot of them are artists so want to include artist characters. People write what they know and what's important to them. I'm not saying that's bad, I'm in a crowded genre too... just that it's harder to stand out. If you want to succeed, find your niche.

TL;DR: Figure out how to make your story pop and increase the pace.


Thanks for the review! I'm glad ppl are still active on here.

Your review of NFU thus far was really helpful. I'll take what you mentioned into consideration. (Edited)

Please feel free to drop another updated opinion in the future!
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Last edited by FlapjackStudios on Thu May 08, 2014 8:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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