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The Core Comic

 
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AneirinConor



Joined: 15 Aug 2013
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:16 pm    Post subject: The Core Comic Reply with quote

Riley doesn’t remember anything about her life prior to the age of 10. This was around the time her father disappeared. When she turned 17, she was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. This would change her life a lot more than she anticipated…

Her brother, Ryden, has been kidnapped, and she’s the only one who can save him from the mysterious organization that took him. Well, only her, and the dozen or so other people who share the space inside her head whether she likes it or not.

You can find it at thecorecomic.smackjeeves.com
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MindChimera



Joined: 03 Feb 2013
Posts: 305

PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello. I'm assuming you're the writer?

I'd recommend putting your latest page on your homepage. It's what people come to your website to see, there's hardly a point in making them work a little more. It's more inviting to have it on the first page, and gives your readers a page to bookmark to go directly to the latest update. The description you have on your homepage should be moved to an "About" page, and any news updates could be moved to something called "News," "Blog," etc.

The pacing of your story is odd and I think it's your biggest flaw. Your story starts off in the middle of a scene with Riley's brother missing. Then there's a quick fight scene where nothing is shown, then flashbacks. The scenes start jumping around really fast without explaining much before going to the next. In the first ten pages, the setting has already changed six times. You're trying too hard to rush through the backstory and get to the missing-brother plot.

Page 1.7 is incredibly awkward. The dinner scene would have been much better on its own page, expanded just a few panels more. Instead, you just rushed through it at the bottom of another page.

I hate to be "that guy," but genetic mutations are how evolution works; they aren't some rare, dangerous thing most of the time. So Riley freaking out of having a vague genetic mutation that her mother hasn't finished explaining is weird.

Her mother also jumps to the conclusion that she can shapeshift, though she hasn't demonstrated this yet. Dr. J said "she might have the same abilities as well," but no one has seen this happen yet (except maybe Ryden, but he hasn't said anything other than "having a dream," and by golly that's just another mystery to add to the pile).

The interviews with Dr. J are the best as far as the pacing goes.

You're constantly introducing new characters and details without explaining them. There are so many unexplained elements floating about that I'm not only confused, I'm losing interest. You really need to throw your readers a bone, because between the constant scene changing and adding in new mysteries that just hang in the air like a bad smell, there's really nothing to hold on to here.

I really haven't had the chance to decide how I feel about any of the characters yet. I'm trying to figure out who everyone is, but this annoying present-day plot keeps getting in the way. I think your story would be a lot stronger if you'd do a proper introduction; get Riley's condition and her powers out of the way, throw in a few mysteries here and there between mom and Dr. Jay to get the readers thinking (just a few, not a truckload), and work us up to the present. Most importantly, put your readers in a position where they're comfortable with what's going on to some extent. They don't have to know everything, they don't even have to be aware they don't know everything yet, but if they can't get their feet on the ground once in a while, they'll never feel comfortable with the story.

You may also want to consider putting in a specific year instead of saying "present." If I found this comic five years from now, going from "2007" to "present" as the comic says makes it nearly a 10 year jump. Yes, I can look at the date the page was posted, but as a reader I usually don't bother with the comments when I'm going through an archive. I won't scroll past the navigation buttons if I don't have to.

Page 2.26 would be a lot stronger if the final panel were a combination of 4 and 5: have her walking into the building saying "Let's go save Riley's ass."

The artwork isn't bad, but could use some work. The proportions on characters are goofy at times (such as the arms on 2.18, in panels 5 and 7). It seems your artist would benefit from doing some human anatomy study; your characters are usually around 4-5 headlengths instead of a realistic 7-8. Not to make presumptions, but this is typically the case when someone learns to draw people by looking at anime/manga instead of live models or photos. The problem with learning to draw by looking at someone else's work is you copy their mistakes. So since you guys seem to be going for a manga rather than a cartoony style, stretching the characters's bodies vertically would be an improvement.

Overall, I like the idea of the story. Her personalities being able to take their own form because of her shapeshifting power is a really neat idea. But the pacing really hurts the story, and I think you need to rethink your introduction a bit.
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Last edited by MindChimera on Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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dpat57
Ich bin ein webcomicker


Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 2574
Location: Sunny/wet/windy Scotland

PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 8:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found this an attractive-looking comic, I like your character design and coloring lots. Story jumps around a little, which can be confusing (on only the 3rd page, I think, I was asking myself, what just happened there?). And, the sudden change from this character to that character to another character (sometimes from one panel to the next) can be super-confusing. Yeah, the reader's gotta trust that Things Will Be Explained Later and everything will tie up, but sometimes this reader paused and thought, whaaaa? Regardless of which, I like your style, good luck with the comic.
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