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Better way to phrase this line?

 
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Marscaleb



Joined: 28 Aug 2012
Posts: 258

PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2013 9:49 pm    Post subject: Better way to phrase this line? Reply with quote

I'm working on a scene where some characters are getting introduced to each other.
When I first wrote out this script, I had Cherise, the girl who was introducing everyone, gesture to Victoria and say "And this of course is Victoria, but her friends call her Vikki."
Then when I got to the point where I was drawing it, I realized how unnatural that line sounded. She IS one of Victoria's friends, and she DOES call her Vikki.
But I don't quite feel that she should introduce her as Vikki to a stranger. I feel that I need that declaration that "her friends call her Vikki" to separate her being called by two "different" names.

Maybe I'm just over thinking it, but I can't figure out what this character would actually say when giving introductions.

I would appreciate some feedback. Especially from any females with somewhat-bubbly personalities that match my character.
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pdonz2



Joined: 02 May 2009
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey,
I'm neither female nor bubbly, but I had a thought.

What can we learn about the characters through the way they handle the situation?

Is the point to characterize Cherise as bubbly?--then she might not be careful to make the distinction, she's just enjoying the situation, and it comes out, say, "and this is Vikki--I mean, Victoria, but we call her Vikki" because she's not the kind of person to carefully plan out her words?

Or on the other hand, is the point that Vikki dislikes being called Vikki by new acquaintances? --then it would be good, from a story-writing perspective, for Cherise to just introduce her as Vikki, allowing this new person to make a faux pas, and call her Vikki...conflict ensues.
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Marscaleb



Joined: 28 Aug 2012
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

pdonz2 wrote:
Is the point to characterize Cherise as bubbly?

By all means no, that was just a quick way for me to try to describe her character.
You raise a good point about avoiding a faux pas. I don't have the space for a full conflict, but I suppose I could have Victoria chirp in on her own with "Call me Victoria; my friends call me Vikki."
Although that sounds a bit more stern than I think she should sound, biting the new acquaintance down like that. Hmm...
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vulpeslibertas
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"And this is Victoria*."
*Vikki.

Although, I expect most readers will make the connection unaided. Vicky is a pretty common shortening of Victoria. If you've been calling her Vikki the whole comic, you just need to make sure there's a clear hand gesture referencing Vikki when she says "Victoria".
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ttallan
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Joined: 28 Feb 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If Cherise is the bubbly sort, she might just assume that everyone will be friends, including the new person she is introducing Vikki to. Thus, "This is Victoria, but we all call her Vikki."

If Vikki is unhappy with the notion of a stranger calling her my the nickname, she could then smile to the newcomer (hold out a hand to shake, whatever) and reiterate, "Victoria." The type of smile you draw on her (pleasant, forced, fixed) could be very revealing.
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Marscaleb



Joined: 28 Aug 2012
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 9:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

vulpeslibertas wrote:

Although, I expect most readers will make the connection unaided. Vicky is a pretty common shortening of Victoria.


It's not about confusing the reader over calling the character by multiple names, but I want to establish a separation between characters who call her by what name, so to speak.

Altogether this isn't a major point that is going to make or break my comic, but it is something I want to add. She's already been introduced to the readers as Victoria. We've already seen Cherise call her Vikki and another character call her Victoria. Cherise could introduce her under either name and the story will progress unhindered and I won't confuse the readers, and if anyone bothers to think about it they'll understand the incredibly simple concept that some call her Victoria and some call her Vikki.
Altogether I don't need to make a big deal about this. (I'm definitely not going to redraw any of my panels for this.)
But I do want to declare this distinction if I can make it sound natural. Hence, I have asked for suggestions.
And I do appreciate these suggestions.

The best I had come up with was "And this is of course Victoria, but we her friends call her Vikki." But honestly I don't like it; it would probably be better for her to just introduce her as Victoria. Hell the original line sounds more plausible.
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Spencey



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"And this of course is Victoria."

"Victoria? How formal! You normally call me Vikki."
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Traegorn



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 7:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Person One: This is Vikki-
Vikki: "Victoria"
Person One: Whatever.
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Casual Notice
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 11:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds less like a phrasing issue and more like your brain's trying to trick you into a minutia loop because it wants to avoid doing the real work of plotting beyond the current conversation. By your own admission, the only way the phrasing could hurt your story is if you went with, "This is Dicksmasher Giantboobs, but I call her Vikki."
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mcmasters



Joined: 28 Jun 2012
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 2:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A: This is Victoria. Whatever you do don't call her-
B: Can I call you Vikki?
A: Oh God...you fool you've doomed us all...
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Marscaleb



Joined: 28 Aug 2012
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is too entertaining to stop.
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mcmasters



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You couldn't stop the Vikki/Victoria meme if you tried!
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