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Crit jam

 
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Chilari
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Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2458
Location: UK

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:39 pm    Post subject: Crit jam Reply with quote

I suddently felt like critting something so I figured it'd be a good idea to have a crit jam. Basically, you can submit something for constructive criticism and at the same time give a constructive criticism for someone else. But rather than being obliged to crit the person immediately before you, if that isn't of a genre you don't really like you could crit someone else's thing, so what I plan to do is edit this original post listing the things people have submitted for crit.

If you want something critiqued, post a link to it and give a brief description. I'll post something of my own below as an example, and to kick things off, but please feel free to submit as many things as you want. Whatever you post, keep it fairly short - something someone can crit in about half an hour. It can be of any genre, and can be a comic or a passage of prose or a short story.

So here's what I'm submitting:
Title: Flame Undying (chapter 1)
Type: prose
Length: 3010 words
Genre: Fantasy
What it is: A first person story about a guy who is immortal and for the last few hundred years has ruled an empire which covered the entire known world. The passage tells of how and why he stops ruling this empire, and is the start of the third draft of my novel, of which the first draft was the first novel I ever completed in February 2009. I wrote the passage at the start of 2010.

So go ahead and submit something else, and if you're interested in criting any of the things that get submitted feel free. As I said I'll edit this post to add any submissions, so please submit in a similar format to the way I have for ease of use. I hope this kicks off, cause I think it'll be fun and interesting.

Others that have been submitted:

From LovelyLuke:
Title: Swanny Nook
Type: Webcomic
Length: 22 pages
Genre: Adventure, Fantasy
What it is: My webcomic, still pretty fresh from a reboot, so it won't take too long for you to read. It's about three young teenagers and their adventures in the infinity of timespace... or something. The story is only really just kicking off, so I'm not really expecting anything indepth. Just some comments on the art and maybe the characters (whether they are believeable/likeable etc.) would be amazing.

From Rustmonster:
Title: Pella's Song
Status: First draft
Type: Prose
Length: 50,000 words, give or take a paragraph.
Genre: Light Fantasy/Adventure
What it is: A young girl travels far from home to fix a mistake from her grandfather's youth.

From krayhayft:
Title: Artificial
Type: webcomic
Length: 22 pages
Genre: Action, Adventure
What it is: When James Leff helps a girl floating in the ocean by his house, he never would have imagined that she would a perfect, sentient, robot girl named Aira. Now, James and his friends must protect Aira as they face off against highschool bullies, a billionaire with a hidden agenda, another female robot and even each other to save not only themselves, but the heart and soul of an artificial girl that just wants to be normal.

From Casual Notice:
Title: The Ghost Dancer
Type: Short Story
Length: 13.5k words
Genre(s): Action, Fantasy, Western, Mystery
Synopsis: An immortal working for a private police firm is sent west to Colorado at the turn of the 20th century to save a mining town from itself, but nothing is exactly as he was led to expect.[/quote]
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Last edited by Chilari on Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:12 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Chilari
Spambot Extraordinaire


Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2458
Location: UK

PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay I'll have a go at the first chapter or so of that. As much as I feel like. Here goes:

Reviewed item: Chapter 1 of Pella's Song by Rustmonster.

The bit about the tribe you put in before the rider actually meets them breaks the flow. Is there a way of putting this information in without breaking into the narrative about the rider? I mean, I can see how it immediately becomes important, but it still doesn't flow right. Does te reader even need to know the tribe's history in that much detail?

Why would Halleck join the guards for the excitement if it seems obvious there is none? Perhaps a small qualifier, something about the stories he'd been told by older guards, would make his decision easier to understand.

I particularly like your line "The storm brooded to the east, a massive torrent of roiling purple clouds and angry forks of lightning." It sets a mood, gives an impression that the messenger is just as bad news as Halleck seems to suggest, adding to the foreboding. It also adds subtly to the way you're building up information about the storm a bit at a time, which is very good.

I stopped at the end of chapter 1, because it's late and I'm tired, but I did enjoy it and I will read more tomorrow. It's intruiging, and I think you've struck a good balance in how much information you've revealed. For a first chapter, the pace is pretty much spot on. You've introduced three named characters who I assume will become main characters, given an impression of their roles within the tribe, and something about their personalities, enough for this stage of the story and onto which I assume you will build later. So apart from the two things I mentioned, a very well written first chapter.
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krayhayft



Joined: 28 Jul 2009
Posts: 107
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 7:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Title: Artificial
Type: webcomic
Length: 22 pages
Genre: Action, Adventure
What it is: When James Leff helps a girl floating in the ocean by his house, he never would have imagined that she would a perfect, sentient, robot girl named Aira. Now, James and his friends must protect Aira as they face off against highschool bullies, a billionaire with a hidden agenda, another female robot and even each other to save not only themselves, but the heart and soul of an artificial girl that just wants to be normal.
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Chilari
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Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2458
Location: UK

PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sounds interesting, CN. I'll take a look at some point before the end of this week, I just have to finish an assignment due tomorrow first.
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